How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Hurt Less
If your long-distance relationship hurts, you're not doing it wrong. Missing someone you love every day is heavy, and pretending it isn't only makes it heavier.
I'm in a long-distance relationship myself, and I've noticed that the pain isn't always the same size. Some weeks it's a dull ache in the background. Other weeks it's everywhere. The difference usually isn't how far apart we are — that never changes. It's everything around the distance: how uncertain the future feels, how we talk, and how much of my own life I'm living while I wait.
That's good news, because those things can change. Here's what makes the biggest difference.
Why long distance hurts so much
Distance itself is only part of it. What wears people down is usually one of these:
- Not knowing when it ends. Waiting with no finish line feels endless, because it is.
- Living on a screen. Calls are wonderful, but they can't replace sitting in the same room doing nothing together.
- Time zones. One of you is going to bed while the other is starting the day, and the good moments rarely line up.
- The goodbyes. Every visit ends at an airport, and that drop afterwards is real.
A Superdrug Online Doctor survey of 1,200 long-distance couples found that the most common reason they broke up wasn't the miles at all: 71% of women and 64% of men said it was because things stopped moving forward. The pain of distance is easier to carry when you can see where it's going.
1. Give the waiting an end date
This is the single biggest one. "Someday" hurts more than "next August," even if next August is far away. A date turns an open-ended wait into a countdown, and a countdown is something you can watch move.
The date doesn't have to be perfect. It has to be real enough to plan around: who's moving, where you'll live, and what it costs. Once you have those three, the date usually follows from the money — how much you each save a month and how much the move needs.
2. Always know when you'll see each other next
Between the big end date and today, have a next visit on the calendar. Even a rough one ("sometime in March") is better than none. Many couples find the days right after a goodbye are much easier when the next hello is already booked.
If flights are expensive, plan visits around them: fewer, longer trips are often cheaper than many short ones, and they feel less rushed.
3. Talk with intention, not all day
It's tempting to stay on the phone every spare minute, and some days that's lovely. But constant contact can turn into pressure — you start measuring the relationship by replies and minutes.
What tends to work better is a rhythm you both agree on: a call at a time that suits both time zones, a good-morning message, a longer call at the weekend. Knowing when you'll talk means you can actually relax in between.
4. Do ordinary things together
The thing long distance takes away most is the boring stuff: cooking dinner, watching something without talking, falling asleep in the same room. You can get some of it back.
- Watch the same film or series at the same time
- Cook the same recipe on a video call
- Play a game together online
- Leave a call on while you each work or read
- Fall asleep on a call, if your time zones allow it
None of it is the real thing. But a shared Tuesday evening of doing nothing special can make the distance feel smaller than a big, serious call.
5. Have the hard conversations early
Avoiding the big questions feels kinder in the moment, but it's usually what makes long distance hurt more over time. The questions don't go away; they just sit underneath everything.
The ones worth having sooner rather than later:
- Who's moving, and to where?
- Roughly when?
- What will it cost, and how will you each save for it?
- What does each of you need to give up, and is that fair?
You don't have to answer them all in one evening. Start with the first, and let it be a conversation, not a negotiation. It often helps to look at real numbers together instead of guessing.
6. Keep living your own life
This one feels backwards, but it matters. If your whole day revolves around the next call, the gaps between calls get very lonely.
Keep seeing friends. Keep your routines, your hobbies, your goals. It isn't a betrayal of the relationship — it's what makes you someone with things to share when you do talk, and it stops the relationship from carrying all of your happiness on its own.
7. Make the goodbye easier
The days after a visit are often the hardest part of long distance. A few things help:
- Plan something for the day after you get home, so you're not just sitting with the empty feeling
- Leave something behind for each other to find
- Talk about the next visit before this one ends
- Give yourself permission to feel low for a day or two — it's normal
8. Track the progress you're making
When the end feels far away, it's easy to forget how much you've already done. Write it down: the visits you've had, the money you've saved, the steps you've ticked off. Looking back at a list of real progress is one of the best cures for "this is never going to happen."
9. Know when it's more than missing them
Missing someone is part of loving them from far away. But if the hurt is constant — if it's affecting your sleep, your work, or how you feel about yourself most days — it's worth talking to someone you trust, or to a counselor. That isn't a sign the relationship is failing. It's taking care of the person in it.
The short version
Long distance hurts most when it feels endless and uncertain. It hurts less when you can see the end, know when you'll meet next, talk in a way that feels good rather than anxious, and keep a full life of your own in the meantime.
You can't make the miles shorter. But you can make the wait feel like it's going somewhere.
FAQ
Is it normal for a long-distance relationship to hurt?
Yes. Missing your partner, feeling low after a visit, and having bad days are all normal parts of long distance. What helps most is reducing the uncertainty around it: knowing when you'll see each other next and having a rough date for when the distance ends.
How do I stop missing my partner so much?
You probably won't stop missing them entirely, and that's okay. It gets easier when you have a next visit planned, a regular time to talk, ordinary things you do together over calls, and a life of your own between calls.
How do you know when to close the distance?
When you've agreed who's moving and where, and the money works. Add up what the move costs — visas, flights, shipping, the first months of rent — and compare it with what you can save together each month. That gives you a realistic month to aim for.